Cupid Tricks
by Vanamo
Summary: Thirteen and Cameron learn the true meaning of Valentine's Day. Total Crack!


Hello crazy people! Yes, this is the delay. A 3000+ word delay, ha. This is also definitely crack XD Numerous cameos, points to whoever finds them, and stupid little references XD Totally dedicated to Amazon Life because she had the springboard idea and let me write it. But I don't think it's what she expected ;) And...yeah, won't give away anymore than that. Enjoy!

* * *

It started out like any other day. Everyone was seated in the DDX room, writing notes on the follow up for their latest patient. Well, Thirteen and Cameron were, while Taub did a crossword, Foreman read a medical journal, and House swiveled in his chair, throwing his ball up into the air and trying to catch it while not getting dizzy. Such was a typical day, but today was not just any regular day.

Today was Valentine's Day.

Ah, Valentine's Day, Hershey's biggest holiday after Halloween and before Christmas. It was the day that kept floral stores in business and the only time of the year when it was acceptable for a man to buy a teddy bear. The Today show was full of hearts and trivia, and Cosmo and Victoria's Secret were having a field day. There was even a movie this year, a Hollywood mash-up of everyone you know and don't care about supposedly finding the true meaning of this commercial holiday.

Thirteen HATED it. It was pointless, shallow, and overall idiotic to show your affection for a person on only one day of the year. Plus, didn't anyone know that there was no damn baby with wings shooting arrows?

"Damn it," she muttered, hitting the coffee machine in frustration. Something had to be jammed. Why was it so hard to make her and Cameron a cup of coffee?

"Cameron, cool your girlfriend down. Tell her to save it for tonight," House said, finally ceasing his spinning and opting instead to twirl his cane. The ball found its resting place on the corner of the glass table.

Cameron rolled her eyes. Ever since the girls had gotten together, there had been no stopping of House's pranks or crazy antics. Most of the time they put up with it, but she and Thirteen had been up late last night and…well, Thirteen needed her coffee. "I'll call down to maintenance," she said. Thirteen turned and Cameron gave her a firm look, telling her to just sit down.

"Eight letter word, greeting card Company," Taub threw out, looking bored as he tapped his pen against the newspaper.

"Migraine," Thirteen sighed, her brow scrunched up as she rested her head in her hands.

"Don't be fussy; you're getting some tonight without paying. Unlike two men in this room," House quipped. Foreman and Taub looked unphased at the blows to their manhood. Cameron, who was on the phone in his office, glared and he grinned. "Spoke too soon. Wilson at least has the proper gay date courtesy to take me cosmic bowling."

Cameron said thanks into the phone before hanging up and walking back into the room. "Give it a rest, House."

"You're pissy too," he observed. "It's fine. You can go see that new movie with the rest of the hormonal teenage girl population. Unfortunately Cuddy won't be joining you; she has an appointment with Mandy today for her lip wax," He wiggled his eyebrows at Thirteen. "Yes, the ones you're thinking about."

The brunette's only response was to throw the red and grey ball at him, while Cameron turned pink.

"Someone called about a coffee machine?" a light, accented voice asked. Everyone looked up with interest and Thirteen's jaw dropped ever so slightly. Cameron's eye went wide. The woman was absolutely gorgeous: tall and curvy with tan skin and blonde hair that cascaded down almost to her waist. Cargo pants and a tool belt, which bounced on her ass every time she walked, were _not_ supposed to look that hot.

It was then that Thirteen realized that she was walking over to her. Cuddy wasn't the only one getting a Brazilian today. "What seems to be the problem?" she questioned, her hair falling down in waves. She wore a hint of a smirk.

She stood up and led the woman over to the coffee machine. "I think something is jammed," she explained, her natural charm on full power, despite her girlfriend sitting not three feet away.

The woman took off the lid and poured out the old coffee Thirteen had been trying to make then tinkered around a bit. She reached into one of the pockets and grabbed a screwdriver. What the doctors didn't notice was how she also grabbed a small packet of powder and slipped it into the cup. She turned around to face them, purposely brushing her hand up against Thirteen's thigh. "It should be fine now," she said, before asking Thirteen, "Shall I brew you a cup?"

Thirteen smiled. "It's fine, I can do it. But thank you," she answered politely, "Raphaela," after checking her nametag. The woman smiled and nodded, giving everyone a wave before walking out the door. Thirteen watched the door for a few seconds with a longing expression.

"Wow," Foreman said, leaning back in his chair.

"What?" Cameron said almost too quickly.

Taub turned to Foreman. "At least you didn't get dumped for someone like that."

"She's not dumping me!" Cameron exclaimed. "Remy, tell them they're being idiots."

"Huh?" Thirteen said after a moment. She had been putting another batch off coffee in, but had completely spaced out. The woman had smelled odd, but the scent was delicious and almost intoxicating. "Oh, yeah. I think we should treat for autoimmune."

"Rem, we treated the patient already," Cameron corrected, growing angrier by the second. "Were you listening to a word we were saying?"

Again, Thirteen took a minute to focus, catching herself staring at the door again. "Oh, right," she said. Before Cameron could respond, the coffee machine began to beep. "Wow, that was fast," Thirteen commented.

"Remy, what's with you?" Cameron asked.

"It's something called sex," House cut in, "We'll explain when you're older."

Cameron's head snapped around and she gave him a deadly glare. "I'm her girlfriend and a doctor, House; of course I know what sex is."

Taub closed his newspaper and silently stood up, pouring two cups off coffee, despite already having one. He handed one to Thirteen, who had been distracted again and took it with a surprised look, and set the other one in front of Cameron.

"That's right ducklings, follow Taub's example," House said, "Bribe, kiss and make up."

Cameron shot him a look before drinking her coffee. Thirteen also took a sip of hers. Under the anger, concern was starting to build up. Remy was acting strange. She sipped her coffee again and her taste buds were met with a surprise. This stuff was really good.

After a few minutes, Cameron started to feel weird. A rage was burning up in her chest. "Do you love me?" she suddenly cried at Thirteen.

"What?" Thirteen asked, clueless. She'd been lost in her thoughts again, all of which on one person.

"You don't, do you?!" Cameron yelled, standing up. All the men looked at her: Foreman agape, Taub curious, and House shocked but almost smiling.

Thirteen blinked deliberately a few times. It was hard to focus. Different parts of her brain were fighting for control. Eventually one side won out and she shouted, "No! My heart belongs to Raphaela!" She stood up and stripped off her lab coat. "I can't do this anymore!"

"What?" Cameron shouted incredulously. "With you ogling after every hot piece of ass that crosses your path, do you know how hard it is for me?! You never have time for me anymore!"

"I can't breathe! You're always smothering me with your damn emotions and caring, I can't take it!" Thirteen screamed, clutching her chest. "And trust me honey, I've been with better in bed!"

Cameron stepped forward and slapped her across the face. "You're such a bitch, Remy Hadley!"

Thirteen held the side of her face in shock before retorting, "I'm the bitch?! You still love House!"

"Ok, let's stop this right here before I need to call security," House interjected, standing up and limping between them. Out of nowhere, Thirteen pressed her lips against his and pinned him against the desk, practically shoving her tongue down his throat. Everyone was absolutely shocked, but there where insane squeals from two nurses right outside the window, one of whom was randomly British. A male nurse dragged them away and up to the Psych ward before they could annoy anyone else to death.

Not being able to take it anymore, Cameron pulled Thirteen off of their boss, letting out a choked sob. House had to take a minute to gather his bearings after the best kiss of his life – way more than a seven.

"How could you do this to me, Remy?" Cameron cried, "On Valentine's Day?"

Thirteen seemed unphased by the pleas and tore her arm away from Cameron's grip. She wiped her mouth off – that had been a disgusting kiss, but it was the best of the men in the room. "I need to go find my Raphaela," she said with a silly grin, staring off at the door again. "We can go to Carnival!"

She clapped her hands excitedly and left the room, half running half skipping down the hall. Cameron's lip began to tremble and she sunk down onto the floor and began wailing like a small child. The guys were flabbergasted. The world had to be coming to an end.

* * *

"Bu-but House," Cameron whimpered. "I-I don't wanna go bowling," she whined pathetically as he dragged her along the multicolored carpet, down the two stairs and dumped her in a seat. In the past six hours, Cameron had been a total mess. Her mood had fluctuated more than a paranoid schizophrenic's story about who was after them, resulting in a series of emotional breakdowns and many headaches for Foreman, Taub, House, and eventually Wilson when they couldn't deal with her anymore. She had spent two or three hours blubbering on his couch. But now he, Taub, Foreman, Wilson, and Cameron were going cosmic bowling.

"Shouldn't we have called security on that coffee repair woman?" Taub asked. "She obviously slipped something in their coffee, that's why they're acting borderline insane. We haven't seen Thirteen since." He was here because his wife had a meeting until eight. Not that she really wanted to come home to him.

"Fuck no, this is way too entertaining," House said, pulling on his spiffy bowling shoes. It was just getting dark and the cosmic bowling would start any minute. Wilson set the bowling ball bags down with their custom balls and took a seat next to Cameron, who couldn't seem to tie her laces. Foreman put in their names. Normally he wouldn't be here, but it's not like he had friends to spend the evening with.

"I want my name first!" Cameron shouted suddenly at him. He jumped and scowled at her before erasing all the names and putting hers in the first slot.

Suddenly all the lights dimmed and a range of brightly colored lights turned on and did a crazy spin, focusing on the middle of one lane like on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. A man dressed in a pink striped shirt, obviously the manager, was smiling and holding a microphone in his hand. "Hello everyone and thank you for coming out tonight!" he said happily. "For all of those who don't have dates tonight, we have a special treat! We have made an exclusive deal with a rather notorious club down the street I'm sure we're all familiar with…" he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Please enjoy yourselves and stay off the lanes!"

Cameron looked up spitefully. Why would they want to go down the lanes where they would fall on their asses?

A steady, thumping beat started over the intercoms and everyone was shocked by what they saw. On each side of the lanes, beautiful, scantily clad women came out from behind a curtain and walked over the lanes by stepping on the small strips where the balls traveled back. The pins were revealed as another black curtain was pulled up, also revealing a series of poles between each set of pins. Streams of silk ribbon criss-crossed the ceiling, hanging down in some places.

There were strippers on the bowling lanes.

"Oh yeah!" House groaned, grinning widely. He didn't have to go to the girls, they were coming to him.

From the end of the alley they couldn't see their girl very well. She was spinning around the pole lazily, almost teasingly. Like all the other women, she barely had anything on other than a pink lace bra and matching underwear, but she sported a quiver of arrows and a small bow on her back. Her long hair was tied up in a loose bun, falling out and catching the light with every spin.

For some reason, Cameron felt intense hatred for her. She grabbed the ball and threw it angrily down the alley. It swerved midway towards the girl and landed in the gutter, forcing her to climb up the pole to avoid having her stripper pumps caught. She wrapped her legs tightly around the pole, spun and waved upside-down at them. House's smirk only grew, while Wilson blushed. Taub and Foreman had disappeared to either the bar or the arcade.

"My turn!" House piped up.

"But House, it's my second frame," Cameron countered, trying to grab her ball. She was heading towards the crying stage again.

"Oh you'll live," he quipped. He grabbed his ball and threw it down the alley. Their stripper was now standing directly over the lane with each foot in the gutter, slowly running her hands up and down her thighs. As the ball came closer, she lowered herself and jumped up at the last minute, grabbing the silk ribbon and pulling herself up, hanging by her legs. This was one great showgirl.

All of a sudden, the stripper to the right of their lane hopped off her pole and walked across the lane, capturing the other woman's lips in a passionate frenzy. The blonde stripper gracefully fell out of the silk ribbon and led the brunette back against the pole.

Cameron's teary eyes went wide. "Remy?!"

The women looked in their direction and the brunette waved. It was undoubtedly Thirteen, and the blonde…the coffee repair girl!

"Remy!" Cameron shouted, the anger quickly coming back out. House thought fast and grabbed her arm to prevent her from walking out there and likely falling on her face in the bitch fight. Instead, Thirteen and Raphaela walked towards them, eventually meeting them on the hardwood floor. Thirteen, who was dressed just as skimpy, sans the Cupid gear, laced her arms around Raphaela's waist and kissed her neck.

"Ok, explain what the hell is going on," House told her, finally tired of the novelty. He let go of Cameron and Wilson grabbed her before she could lunge at the woman. Taub and Foreman happened to walk down at the same time with a plate of donuts.

"Oh, it's really quite simple," Raphaela said, watching Cameron squirm with amusement. "I'm Cupid."

House stared at her blankly. "No, really," he said.

"No, really," Raphaela repeated mockingly, "I'm Cupid. There are so many misconceptions about me, first and foremost being my gender. The Romans were sexist, really, how could I not inherit _all_ of my mother's beauty? My father is such a tool. And they're also hypocrites; did you know that nearly every Roman Emperor was bisexual? But _no_, they have to go change my entire damn myth to make it acceptable! And today I'm nothing more than a blonde brat in a diaper exploited by the chocolate companies!"

"According to your myth, you had a daughter with Psyche," House pointed out. Cameron looked at him incredulously. Taub ate a donut.

Raphaela held up a finger. "I'm a goddess, got it? I certainly don't need a man. And she goes by Amanda on Earth."

"So where are your better half and the brat?" House asked.

Raphaela sighed dramatically. "They went to go see that stupid movie, Valentine's Day. No way I was getting dragged into that…" she closed her eyes lazily and grinned as Thirteen continued to trail kisses along her shoulder blade, "and I was bored."

"So you randomly decided to drug my employees?" House questioned for clarification.

Raphaela nodded, seeming very satisfied with herself. "I can change them back now. They're so cute together."

House nodded. "Please do, we can only have so many crazy bitches in the workplace. Any more estrogen and Jimmy-boy and I are in serious trouble."

"House!" Wilson said.

Raphaela ignored both men and pulled out a small bottle of perfume. She sprayed two puffs each on Thirteen and Cameron, who each coughed a bit and closed their eyes. When they opened them their eyes met with renewed love…and passion. They each took a few steps forward and met where the hardwood was a small step off the tile and kissed. It quickly became heated and hands ran wildly through each other's hair, each woman moaning in pleasure. Their coworkers, along with most of the surrounding lanes, looked on, agape.

"What did you do?" House asked.

"Just a few puffs of _Desire Me_, and that's all there is to it. My own personal brand," she said proudly. "The arrows are just for show."

"How can you just accept all this?" Wilson asked, watching House look on. Cameron was now sitting in one of the chairs with Thirteen on her lap.

House shrugged and pointed to Raphaela. "She's obviously a psychopath. This is obviously some crazy dream or the inner workings and manipulations of some sick freak. And by the time the night is over, we'll be so drunk we won't remember a thing anyway."

Wilson nodded in understanding and looked at Taub. "Can I have a donut?"

Taub attempted to pass him a donut, but House snatched it out of his hand. "No donuts for you."

Raphaela smirked. "My work here is done. Now remember, mortals, this stupid materialistic holiday is all in your head. Love is a chemical reaction and nothing is good on TV. And if you have a special someone, you should always show your affection instead of feeling obligated. May you all have wonderful pointless sex tonight full of KY jelly and Viagra. Now get ready for President's day, which is much more important."

Thirteen and Cameron continued to make out while Raphaela disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke and roses. Best stupid materialistic holiday ever.

* * *

For those who need to brush up on their Latin, Cupid, or cupido, means desire XD Thanks to iyimgrace for the title. Ok people, go enjoy your stupid holiday with your stupid girlfriends. Go bowling ;)


End file.
